slow cooking my life

There are many aspects of my life where I can be instantly gratified: If I am thirsty, water is readily available. If I need to get somewhere, I can either jump on my bike or the train and have the immediate satisfaction of progress towards my destination. Unfortunately, this blessing can be a self-imposed curse when I place the same expectation on areas of my life where it is not called for.

I have been thinking a lot about the virtue of patience, and the blessing of anticipation and how that anticipation makes that what is worth waiting for truly valuable. I am so blessed in so many areas of my life and am grateful for so many things. There are areas in my life where I am currently content, but had been getting impatient for the picture I ultimately hope for.

Then, I thought about turkey and how one of my joys is preparing a turkey. It is one of my favorite foods.There are literally thousands of ways to cook a turkey, and as many variations as there are culinary regions and families. I have never had it fried, but I heard it is delicious. Frying is probably the most immediate of the methods to cook a bird, but like all other methods, it still requires time. A turkey will slowly drink in the characteristic flavors of the wood in its smoker; The aroma of a slow roasting turkey whets the taste-bud's imagination. Both methods hone your appetite for hours. Done well, the result is memorable and provides meals for days.

I realized that my expectations for my longer term goals were on par with microwaving a turkey. Could you imagine microwaving a whole raw turkey? Not defrosting. Cooking. And now imagine that you want it to be edible in the same span of time as it would take to cook popcorn. Not only would a culinary masterpiece be unrealistic, but the result would be inedibly revolting.

Those areas in my life where I had been impatient actually deserve a slow cooking approach. I know that ultimately, the law of cause and effect means that my future is but a passive receptor to my present choices. I will reap what I sow, it is a promise. With consistent attention towards those goals and faith in the outcome that impatience could give way to pleasant anticipation. The final result may even take on the flavors of the process involved making it that much more delectable.

May the basting begin.

25 things about me

To inagurate my return to this blog, I thought I would copy & paste this game from Facebook.

25 random things about me in random order

1. Although I have always been involved in sports in one way or another, I never considered myself an athlete until I started running. It is the first sport that makes me want to get better at it & has taught me a lot about my faith, my self and my perceived limitations.

2. When I put my mind to something, I get very determined. I am an excellent-ist, not a perfectionist. I ultimately tend to enjoy the process more than the result, even when I have a sense of accomplishment.

3. I have participated in the following sports/activities in my life: ballet (as a little girl), volleyball, cheerleading (jr. high. Short lived sport mismatch), track & field: shot-put, discus, swimming, fencing, yoga, biking & running (marathon, ½ marathons).

4. I’m an optimist by choice. I truly believe that there is always a solution, always a good reason that is towards the good, and always a lesson for everything God lets us live through.

5. As a painter, I have always been slightly jealous of music as an art form because people will physically react (dance) in response to music. I have yet to see someone dance to a painting. I also wish I had more time to paint.

6. My taste in music: whatever is done well. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but it isn’t. I promise. My taste ranges from Classical, to early punk, to metal to funk & soul, folk, world music…oh the list goes on. That's right, now I'm copping out.

7. I have a few original children’s stories written & in the works. I hope to publish them one day.

8. I feel like I am still a child most of the time. I have to remind myself of my age more often than not. That said I don’t want to be younger; I’m very happy with being a 33 y.o woman and not a girl. I am looking forward to the years to come: the wisdom gained, the possibilities and experiences that come with them. I still wake up excited on my birthday.

9. My favorite color(s) are green and red. Green, because it’s so fresh looking & the human eye can perceive the most variations of it. (too cool) and red, because it is just stunning. Incidentally, it is the color of which the human eye can perceive the least variations.

10. I love to cook, especially if it is for other people.

11.Coffee runs through my veins. Specifically, Almendra Tropical (actual Colombian coffee) that my whole family keeps stashes of.

12. I am very good at coming across tougher than I actually am. At least I like to think that I come across as tough.

13.I am rather straightforward & plainspoken (sometimes blunt) and I think there is always a gentle way of telling the truth...

14.Which leads me to my pet peeves: #1: People incapable of a declarative sentence or straightforward question. How do you ever get anything accomplished? #2 Mean, angry people that find something wrong with everything: is it really necessary? Pet peeve #3: hypochondriacs. I get it, people get sick. But please don’t glorify sickness by focusing on it.

15.I’m a Christian, but I don’t think that means being a jerk about it. The Bible is not a weapon to hit other people over the head with. I also have a strong distaste for cultural Christianity. This could be pet peeve #4.

16. I believe we were meant to enjoy this life, right now. Dark chocolate is confirmation of this for me.1

7. I am secretly a romantic.

18. I love great quotes & inspirational stories. I should really start putting my favorites all in one place.

19. History fascinates me. Actually, I love to research a topic and learn all I can about it. Whether it’s pirates, bicycles, salt, non-violence & that inevitably leads me to the general history section of a bookstore. Recently, it's women's history.

20. I find it hard imagine my life without reading or books. I have always been an avid reader & devour books. I have read East of Eden every year since I was 12, when I stole my sister’s copy from her book shelf. (I am only kind of sorry, Betty)

21. I love animals. My roommate has 2 cats that I like, but I am more of a dog person because they like to interact with people (for the most part). If I didn’t live in an apartment, I would probably have a dog.

22. Organizing things is a lot of fun for me. Ironically, my room gets messy often & it’s usually epic. I procrastinate on cleaning it up. (Although I insist it is an organized mess because I usually know where everything is)

23. I am a lucky person. Not lottery lucky, but day-to-day lucky. My friend Nikki is ridiculously lucky. Her nickname is Midas for a reason.

24. I am a happy person & love to find opportunities to laugh. And there are plenty.

25. My closest friends are inspiring, amazing people. I count a lot of my family as friends & friends as family.

beautiful & terrible

jonathan beach.

what an amazing father, husband, teacher, athlete, musician, brother, friend, scholar and personable and personal man. he is my brother by marriage and choice, and my friend, taken too soon as victim in a terrible car accident.

jon had a talent for showing the richness of tradition and history, and taught me an appreciation for the complexity of this life. and yet, his gentle and peaceful demeanor that could frustrate the impatience in me is such a lesson in taking the time for what is truly important, and not stressing the superfluous, therefore stressing the simplicity of life as well. his curiosity was boundless, whether it was about a scholarly, spiritual, personal or interpersonal pursuit. he always had time for me: to mentor me and counsel me when i was having one of my dissatisfied crises, inspire and challenge me, care for my welfare & ask me the tough questions, to be a great coffee buddy, sometimes dinner buddy, fellow book-worm, hiker and fellow elf on christmas. he made it all so special, and i know i am not the only one he made things special for. as i discovered this weekend, he found time for so many others in such a personal, tender way. the outpouring from people whose lives were touched by him was amazing, and stories about his generosity came in piece by piece: his brother and i commented on how meeting his friends and hearing how genuinely generous he was with himself was akin to seeing a mosaic being assembled before us of all that jonathan was. the picture is stunning in its beauty, yet i am left wondering how he ever found the time to do it all.

i am left with a huge sense of gratitude for having had him in my life since i was a child, although 22 years seems unjustly short. who i am today is in large part due to his influence in my life. i will miss him, although he will always be a part of me because of that influence. as cliche as it may sound, i am also imbued with a sense of the fragility of life & an urgency to live it fully and with integrity. these are the gifts that i will be pondering for some time to come.

there were so many people that joined our family in bidding jonathan goodbye, the receiving line took several hours before we realized it would not exhaust itself. i had no idea his impact could not be contained in a sanctuary that can seat over 500 people. the services were more than what a funereal rite of passage should be: a chance to grieve the loss, to understand endings and beginnings, and to celebrate the life that was. the home-going service and the interment were two of the most beautiful and terrible and beautiful, and most powerful expressions of love i have ever experienced or witnessed. i am still digesting the magnitude of it.

my heart still aches for his 2 little girls and for my sister. it is hard to write about this aspect of his death, so i will refrain from sharing this particular aspect of my despair. yet, it is a huge comfort for me and my whole family to know that their community at their church and schools are meeting all of their physical and non-physical needs, above and beyond what i understand to be the norm. to give a small picture of their generosity: all of my sisters meals will be provided until May of 2008, a trust for the girls' education has been started in jonathan's name, her car is being fixed both internally and externally from bumper to bumper, wheel to wheel....and this only scratches the surface. my sister is such an amazingly strong christian woman, strong enough to ask for and accept help when needed. She is also blessed to have people clamoring to help her & the girls to answer those needs. it was very clear to all of us on both the beach and yarzagaray sides to see that she will not be alone when we all go to our respective homes. this gives me peace.

oh, jon. farewell, my friend. it was too soon for me and ours, but what a great man heaven has gained. as a friend of mine put it: he must have been needed for some serious Heavenly business.

falling in love again

about a week ago, i asked a friend of mine how one goes about falling out of love.her response to me was: time and other people. i asked my mom: forcibly shift your focus elsewhere.

this annoyed me to no end. the advice was wait it out, pining in the meantime or worse yet, pull a scarlett o'hara and think about it some other time that will never arrive. that is really not constructive & didn't speak to the main issue.

but then, i didn't realize the main issue: i'd been going through love withdrawl. i'd been cut off cold-turkey from that level of love and attention i was accustomed to giving & receiving. the object and source of my affection simply went out of business. and then i realized that this withdrawl was not about him at all. i don't bet on or beat dead horses. what i really missed was love.

so where was i to find my "fix"? a plant? a puppy? a fling? no, no & no. that would just be using someone or something as a substitution for what i actually need. and then it hit me: only i can give myself what i've been missing. no other person can give me the love & attention i need. it is not any body else's responsibility to make me happy. that's my job: to pay attention to myself and take care of myself and do the things i know are good for me and make me happy. in short, learning to love myself. after slapping myself on the forehead a few times at the obvious answer, the burden was lifted. i started enjoying time with myself & other people after shifting my focus onto loving myself. so instead of falling out of love, it was time to really fall in love with myself.

so how do i do this? graditude seems like a good place to start: for all i am, have been created to be and for all i have. and grateful to my friend and to my mom for maybe the best piece of advice i've ever gotten.

happiness revisited

as i said earlier, if i practice living in the moment, then maybe it will breed graditude and meaning and happiness. but i still haven't defined happiness. again, i get lost in the big picture to the detriment of the details. or maybe i got lost in details to the detriment of the big picture. both.
i know that entire religions, philosophies and traditions are built on how to acheive lasting happiness. some even try to tell you what it happiness is in coded, symbolic language that you ultimately filter through your own lenses and you end up arriving at an answer on your own. so while some of the writing resonates for me, it will not answer this question for me without my active participation.
at the end of the day, what makes me fret is not world peace, or that there are children starving everywhere. it's usually something like a really terrible hair day that would set me off or some other localized crisis. in the times that i am happy, it's not because of some news item i read about someone's altruism or someone beating the odds. while that will make me smile and cheer for them, it's not what brings me happiness.
so what is it to me? why is this so hard to answer? i've experienced happiness before, so it's not as though this is a foriegn concept. how do i feel when i'm happy?
in my happiest moments i feel secure in what i have in front of me & am grateful for the good. i'm intrinsically sated, and sometimes, but not always, physically sated at the same time. i feel peaceful, strong, compassionate, capable and at home in my skin and i feel like that radiates. that secure glow in my gut that i define as happiness. there are so many things that trigger that glow. what's interesting is that i have been happy in otherwise dire circumstances, which is what makes me think it is a state bred from perspective. in those moments, i was living in the moment and appreciating it for its value. interesting.
then, happiness could be the child of the perspective that what you have is good. but that speaks more to gratitude, gratification and security. maybe those are some of the ingredients. but it would have to include inner and outer gratification & security. inner, as in the sense of self-worth and assuredness, and of being loved. and outer, as in the things that come to you and populate your surroundings. and then there is meaning. the existential impact. that your life is more than an accident of chemicals and has importance and impact beyond mere survival, and that you matter; that your actions aren't an exercise in futility and that everything you do does mean something.
i still don't know, and know i am barely scrathing the surface. but just investigating it is enjoyable.

happiness

"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it." C. P. Snow (1905 - 1980)

Kashmir has been described as happiness and heaven embodied on earth: breathtakingly beautiful and rich and (once) peaceful. It has been the prize in a bloody dispute between India and Pakistan since the borders were drawn because someone used too broad a pen on the map, so the story goes. Whether or not that's exactly accurate, the historical anecdote has a lesson for me.

I've always said that what I ultimately want is to be happy. I'm beginning to wonder if happiness in it of itself is a valid goal in life. I'm thinking of happiness to the exclusion of meaningful and good life. But wouldn't happiness and gratification include the meaningful? I would think so, but I've been a little stumped when faced with the question of what happiness means to me. It seems that happiness & gratification & gratitude are not so much goals as they are perspectives held in the present and in whatever circumstance. I've left the definition somewhat nebulous, making it hard to grasp presently. The nebulous is difficult to recognize when you've arrived much like trying to determine if you're on an undefined territory on a map. This is a search to define some personal borders with a finer nib.

I've included a link to a Washington post article in which Joshua Bell, the virtuoso violinist, dressed down and played at a train station in D.C. Everyone was unable to see the value of his genius when stripped of context, with the exception of a few. He wasn't at Carnegie hall. It was a subway station. Did it take away the beauty? No. They were just so focused on the momentary goal in the near future of their destination. The beauty at their feet was lost on them.

That article was a revelatory installment to a lesson I have been learning about goals in general. I am beginning to see that this culture is (and I am) too focused on goals & not the process; Enjoyment is lost when the only focus is the goal and the steps along the way are drudgery. Once the blinders of achievement come off the momentary triumph of completion wears off, the result ends up being a vague dissatisfaction after the end result is achieved. It is back to drudgery toward the next goal.

I am trying to make an effort "de-goal". This doesn't exclude working towards a particular dream or end. What it means to me is learning to do everything now as though each moment matters and giving my attention and due appreciation to the changing facets of our world. There are too many things to miss that are of value, otherwise, and actually recognizing them could breed enthusiasm. I don't want to miss the violinist in the subway.

I'm not saying that living in the present is easy. I'm not a robot. There's always that something shiny on the periphery that catches your attention that lies somewhere else in time. I just think that maybe, with practice, forcibly shifting my focus to the reality and good of the present could only breed gratitude, gratification and maybe even happiness.

here's the link

hair

Current mood: frizzy
my hair's unruly by nature, and for the most part, i let it do it's bit. it's bedroom hair without having to be within 50 feet or an hour from a bed. sometimes, i really believe it is the most free part of me, willing to be its outrageous self and make a fool out of itself when i am otherwise unwilling. it has a distinct personality that i embrace.

lately, i am having major hair issues. i think that the spage-age, anti-frizz technology crap that i've been using has been damaging my hair. i had such high hopes for it. instead, this bogus snake oil has dried out my hair, making it forget how to curl. so now, my head look positively pubic. and no, conditioner isn't really helping. i think the silicone in this shit is repelling any moisture.

someone told me recently that my frizz looked like a halo & that it was cute. i thanked them for the dubious compliment. cute. my ego held a little internal funeral for itself. well, great. i look like an effen cherub. why not line up the firing squad and invite anne geddes to fire the vomitous fatal shot?

while this is by no means earth shattering and has no effect on world peace, here i am kvetching, anyway. why? because crappy hair days make me feel like i'm right there with those toy troll dolls. those really aren't ugly enough to be cute. they're just ugly. and on bad hair days, i would hand them the crown and sash in life's hair beauty pageant.